136,800 Minutes: Tick

I hear it every night before I sleep. Tick... Tick... Tick... The sound is rhythmic. It never misses a beat. It resides in my imagination, but feels more real every moment. It is brings joy and sorrow with every promised tick. 

The invisible second hand on the clock of my life won't stop. This clock is crying out to me. It is reminding me that my time here is short. India will soon be in my past. 

It is bittersweet. The seconds are disappearing here and I hate to lie... I've been counting the days for a long time.

I don't feel bad about my daily habit of looking at the calendar. I yearn to see and hug my beloved fiancé again. I miss my family. I grieve the late night conversations and being cray with my college roommates. I wish to begin leading and doing ministry at TLC again.  I miss stuffed crust, pepperoni pizza.

I refuse to feel guilty for these desires.

And then there's culture shock. The return home promises a possible end to the emotional ups and downs I experience every day. It promises that I will no longer be viewed as the white foreigner from America.

Furthermore, my departure promises a return to the high paced, well-scheduled lifestyle of America. I never thought I would miss that lifestyle. I know if I stayed here for another four months then I would fear returning to this society. But, now, I want my schedule. I want the speed.

This is culture shock. I almost wish I had time to push through to the other side. . . But here I am counting the days.

God is not deterred. I know He doesn't count my counting against me. He, more than anyone, understands me. He hears the sound too... Tick... Tick... Tick...

In the days I have been counting God has given me more gifts and stories than I can type. Though I wished at the time to be home, I wouldn't give up these last days. They have shaped my life forever.

I'm going to miss many, many things about India. Most of all I will miss the people who have shown me so much love. I'll never stop praying for them and I hope I get to see some of them again someday...

I can hear it again.

Tick... Tick... Tick... The sound is rhythmic. It never misses a beat. It resides in my imagination, but feels more real every moment. It reminds me that my time here is dissipating.

I will soon leave this earth just like I will soon leave India. The only difference is that I can't count the days. I wonder if God is counting the days for me? I wonder if God is watching the celestial calendar, anticipating the arrival of His beloved, adopted son?

I like to think God is. He is longing for me to come home, just as I am longing to be home. What a beautiful thought...

God desires to hold me in his arms. I know it. Nevertheless, He is choosing to wait. He is waiting for his perfect plan to be completed in me. I suppose I can trust my Daddy and wait like Him.

Tick... Tick... Tick... My time is almost up. Though I count, I don't despise this place. Though I wait to leave, I still desire to see these people again. Though the time is unknown when I will see my great Daddy face to face, I will allow Him to work in me while I'm here on earth.