-43,200 Minutes: The Lesson Rarely Learned

There is a disease many of us share. The abused, the bullied, the poor, and the challenged are infected with it. The perfectionists, the well-off, and the brave are many times driven by it. No, it is not sin, though sin is what caused it's birth. And, no, not all have contracted this painful disease. Some very happy souls choose to be rid of it.

For years, I suffered with this terrible disease and God has relentlessly showed me the cure. I refused to take it. It is as if I loved the thing that was killing me. Can one love hatred?

The disease I suffered was self-hatred. For me, it was driven by an insatiable desire to be unflawed. I had to get the best grades. I had to be the best worker. I had to be the best or at least.... perfect. If I found that I was not perfect... if I made a mistake, I chose to hate who I was. I hated myself.  

This can't be God's design! This can't be who I am. He didn't design me to hate.... did He?

No, deep down I know God's plan for every life on this planet is the contrary of self-hatred. Nevertheless, I wanted perfection and to know that I am doing good things. But for five weeks straight I was forced to sit on a couch and do nothing.

Time and lies tore the flesh of who I was. They eroded my fortitude and newly gained confidence. They took only five weeks to break me.

I'll never forget what my girlfriend, Molly, told me the night I broke. Through tears she said, "You want to love everyone in the world and  I love that about you, but you refuse to love yourself. You have to learn to love yourself, otherwise, how can you really love anyone else?"

Jesus says in Mark 12, "...love your neighbor as yourself..." I believe there is a double prerogative there. We are creatures, masterpieces, created to be loved and to love. We have no greater purpose. Yet, in the past I clearly remember thinking of Jesus' words and saying to myself, "Well, I don't really love myself, why should I love that jerk?"  Could it be that as I learn to love myself more, I can love others more as well?

This is the lesson I have learned over the last month and a half. I have chosen my cure. My cure is not to call myself worthless like I did before. Now, whenever the impulse to hate myself arises, I call myself Jonathan D Miller, Beloved, Adopted Son of the One True King of The Universe. You see, I choose to accept the great price that was paid for my life. I choose to accept Jesus' unconditional love. That changes everything. That's my cure.

Sadly, I know my former disease will battle to come back and I will fight it with love. And I am not alone. Thanks be to God I am not alone!

Sadder even, I know I am far from the only one to suffer from this disease. There are so many ways by which self-hatred can infect a person. Bullying, broken families, abuse and perfectionism are only a few ways the by which this disease is transmitted. It kills the beloved children of God every day.

Please, if you are suffering now, don't believe the lies. There is a God who made you and cherishes you every day. He calls. Read Romans 8. Listen to His voice and not the lies. It can be a battle, but you are not alone.